BIGGER BREASTS PLEASE

Our supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up.  At the store however she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher. "Don't worry lady," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."   Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system, "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."                                                                                        ~thanks Bette~

~ Something to Think About ~

• Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you are a mile away from him and you have his shoes.
• I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.

• If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with "Quit while you're ahead"?
• Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
• What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
• I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

• I have found at my age, going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
• I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me - they were cramming for their finals.
• Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of emergency. I think you should write "A very good doctor."                                                                

~ thanks Bran ~

• You find yourself listening to talk radio.
• You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.
• The pattern on your shorts and couch match.
• You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.
• Your wife buys a flannel nighty and you find that sexy.
• You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.
• You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.
• You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.
• You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.
• When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.
• When jogging is something you do to your memory.
• Sex becomes "All that foolishness".
• Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.
• All the cars behind you turn on their headlights.
• You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.
• You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.
• You actually ASK for your father's advice.
• When someone mentions surfing, you picture waves and a surf board.           

~ thanks Smurk ~

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything!

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I cannot accept,

And the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pi$$ed me off.

And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the a$$ that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work ... 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, and 5% on Fridays.

And help me to remember that when I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to pi$$ me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown, and only 4 to extend my middle finger & tell them to bite me.

               ~ thanks Jerry ~

~ Kid's Letters to God ~

These are actual letters that kids have written to God. This was done in a Sunday School class and were too cute to miss:

Dear God... Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?

• Norma

Dear God... Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have now?

• Jane

Dear God... Who draws the lines around the countries?

• Nan

Dear God... I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?

• Neil

Dear God... Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce

Dear God... It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but hope you will not hurt him anyway.

• Your friend (but I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear God... Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.

• Bruce

Dear God... If we come back as something please don't let me be Jennifer because I hate her.

• Denise

Dear God... I want to be just like my daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over.

• Sam

Dear God... We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school, we learned that you did it. So I bet he stole your idea. Sincerely, Donna

Dear God... I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying.

• Elliott

Dear God... I bet it is very hard for you to love all the people in the world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it.

• Nan

Dear God... Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best.

• Rob

Dear God... My brothers told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right. They are just kidding, aren't they?

• Marsha

Dear God... If you watch me in church Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes. Mickey

Dear God... I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already.

• Charles

Dear God... I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool!

• Eugene

Dear God... Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.

• Larry

~ thanks Steve ~

When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

~ thanks OneMan ~

~ GOD AND EVE SPEAK ~

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man', Lord?"

"A man is a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time.  He'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you.   He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, well.  He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick.  But, you can only have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

~ thanks KYLADY-24 ~

~ THE FLIGHT ~

A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting,

"BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."

She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!"

There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,

"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."

~ thanks OneMan ~