Harley vs Women

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."

Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God himself." The befeathered fellow at the Gate takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"

God says, "Ah, yes." "Well", says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention":

1. there's too much front protrusion

2. it chatters at high speeds

3. the rear end wobbles too much,and

4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust.

"Hmmmm...." replies God. "Hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few key strokes and waits for the result. The computer prints out slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Arthur Davidson, "but according to my computer, more men are riding my invention than yours.

~ thanks Henry ~

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered:

"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!"

~ thanks Henry ~

Smell this!

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

 ~ thanks Henry ~

The Hiker

A father come home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.

"Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300," he asked. "Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."

"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth." "That is the truth," Johnny replied. "Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"

 ~ thanks Henry ~

Viagra Date

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once. I need something to keep me horny.. keep me potent."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours."

The guy says, "Gimme three boxes."

The next day the guy walks into the same pharmacy, limps up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and skin is hanging off in some places.

In a pained voice, the man moans out, "Gimme a bottle of Deep Heat."

The pharmacist replies in horror, "You can't put Deep Heat on that!"

The man replies, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."

~ thanks Henry ~

Rich Bitch

A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper she dismissed the maid.

The maid, with her Gallic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me so himself."

The rich bitch just scowled and said nothing. "And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!"

"And I suppose my husband told you that, too?" "No, Madam," said the maid. "The chauffeur told me!

~ thanks Jason ~

Spit It Out!

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.

Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says. "Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the veranda. The neighbor's Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!".

"And before he could say "F**K OFF!", the dog ate him!"

~ thanks Smurk ~