Keepin' It Dry

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette & continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's that?"

Lady 2: "A condom."

Lady 1: "Where'd you get it?"

Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms.  The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80s), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

"Doesn't matter," she replies, "as long as it fits a Camel."

~ thanks KYLADY-24 ~

Golden Arches

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35." was the reply. "I'm actually 47."  the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29."  "I am actually 47."   This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eye sight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants in ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thought why not and let her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."  Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"  The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds!"

~ thanks Bob ~

A 5 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 5 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say 'hell,' and you say 'ass', OK?" "OK!!"  the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Ah, hell mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK!!

He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

~ thanks Dana ~

A businessman got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying,"T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked at him puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again. He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F" another time. The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said:

"T-G-I-F: Thank Goodness It's Friday ... get it?"

The man answered:

"S-H-I-T: Sorry Honey It's Thursday !!"

~ thanks BabyBlues ~

The Shopping Fling

A blind man goes into Wal-Mart and walks up and down the isles with his seeing-eye dog. In the middle of one aisle, he picks up the dog by it's tail and swings around in circles.

A startled employee asks the blind man, "May I help you, sir?"

"No thanks," the blind man answers, "I'm just looking around!"

~ thanks Dairel ~