HISTORY OF THE POINTING FINGER

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew'). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird'.

And yew thought yew knew everything!

~ thanks Superstar ~

Why Women Are Superior

• We got off the Titanic first.
• We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
• When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's pathetic.
• Men's clothes make women look elfin and gorgeous. Men look like complete idiots in women's clothes.
• We can be groupies. Male 'groupies' are stalkers.
• We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
• Taxis stop for us.
• Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
• We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
• We know the truth about whether or not size matters.
• If we're not making enough money we can blame it on the glass ceiling.
• It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
• No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the male's Speedo.
• We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
• We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
• If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
• We can congratulate our teammate without ever grabbing her ass.
• If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
• We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
• We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
• We have the ability to dress ourselves.
• Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
• We know that there are times when chocolate really can solve all of your problems.
• Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.
• We'll never regret piercing our ears.
• We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
• We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

 ~ thanks Smurk ~

A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes, getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum.

Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing "On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse. "Look at this. This is really something!" the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again. "On the road again... Just can't wait to get on the road again..."

"So what?", the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery. "But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.

"Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any a$$hole can sing country music."

 ~ thanks Bob ~

One Hole Behind

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6." He thanked her and continued playing golf.

On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13." Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted.

As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales." He replied "No kidding so am I. What do you sell?" She said "It's too embarrassing to tell."   But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said, "I sell tampons."

He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh." He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper so I'm still one hole behind you."

 ~ thanks Tiggerootoo ~

Prayer for Senility

God grant me the Senility

to forget the people

I never liked anyway,

The good fortune

to run into the ones I do,

And the eyesight

to tell the difference.

 ~ thanks YSILCOX ~