Jackass

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Jackass
Visitors since May 26/99

Page last updated April 19, 2001

~ Name withheld to protect the guilty ~

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For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone:

Listen up ...

Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you * don't * know!

Now get this ...

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a

phone call I had to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"

I politely said,

"This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me!

I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude!

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.

After I hung up with Robin, I saw the wrong number still lying there on my desk.

I decided to phone again.

When the same man once more answered, I yelled,

"You're a jackass!" and hung up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass", and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills,

or had a really bad day, I'd call him.

He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!"

It would always cheer me up.

Later that year the telephone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass.

Then one day I had an idea!

I called him, then heard his voice say, "Hello."

I made up a name ... then said,

"Hi. This is the sales office of the Telephone Company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program "

He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said,

"That's because you're a jackass!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you,

you can do something about it ...

Just dial - .

Wait there's more...

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave.

Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot.

I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out.

Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.

All of a sudden this black Porsche come flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.

I started honking my horn and yelling,

"You can't just do that , Buddy. I was here first!"

The guy climbed out of his black Porsche completely ignoring me.

He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me.

I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure a lot of jackasses in this world !!

I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car.

I wrote down the number.

Then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk.

I had just gotten off the phone after calling - and yelling,

"You're a jackass!"

(It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.)

I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Porsche lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."

I said, "Is this the man with the black Porsche for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street.

It's a

yellow house and the car's parked right out front."

I said, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time monkey_clock.gif (49323 bytes) to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes." replied Don.

"Don, you're a jackass !" I said.

And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.

For a while things seemed to be going better for me.

Now when I had a problem

I had two jackasses to call !!

Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.

I gave the problem some serious thought ...

and came up with a solution:

First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1.

A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."

I yelled "You're a jackass !"

but I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said," Stop calling me."

I said, "No."

He said, "What's you name, pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said, "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street.

It's a yellow house and

my black Porsche is parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don" ...

"You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared Jackass!" and I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, Jackass !"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I asked.

"I'll kick your butt." he said.

"Well, here's your chance.

I'm coming over right now Jackass !"

And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police.

I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and

that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.

Another quick call

to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street.

After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 police cars and a police helicopter.

It was one of the greatest experiences of my life!

I dedicate this page to my ex husband Labtec because it is his birthday today!

By the way ... even though he is my ex ... he is NOT a jackass !! LOL !!

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