I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just a$$holes.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge breasts.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more f--ked up than you think.

I've learned that it's taking me a long time to sleep with the person I want.

I've learned you should always leave loved ones with loving words. You may need to borrow money from them one day in the future.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that a good time can be sitting on the beach drinking with a bum.

I've learned that heroes are the people who do whoever has to be done when they need to be done, regardless of the morning after.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do.

I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean you can't take advantage of them when they're passed out and naked in your bed.

I've learned that maturity is a magazine for old people.

I've learned that your family won't always be there for you. Of course, if you win the lottery, the hag, the philanderer, the screw-up, the missing one, the a$$hole and the horse tooth girl will be and will also claim to be your best friend.

I've learned that no matter how good a guy is, he'll only contribute to your alcoholism.

I've learned that two people can have sex with the exact same person and compare notes.

I've learned that airport personnel don't like you joking about bombs in your luggage. No matter how many times you state that you're only joking.

I've learned that overzealous customs agents can change your life in a matter of hours.

I've learned to say "F--k 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

I've learned that I am honored to be friends with all the sick twisted people that will forward this URL!